LONDON - Financial regulators have launched a wide-ranging investigation into claims that some traders are simply too short to sell shares. Accusations have landed firmly on diminutive traders, mainly because they can't defend themselves by smacking their accusers squarely in the jaw.
Faced with claims of prejudice, tall-trader Tristan Scott-Lee defended the assault on shorties: "They're a liability - you can't see their hands waving, their jackets don't fit right and clearly they're a trip-hazard on the trading floor."
Several UK banks have increased their use of short traders after an influx from the east flooded the market trading floors with cheaper labour. The net effect - the lowering of bonuses across the board - has been resented by many native tall traders. There have even been calls for short traders to hand back their bonuses and say sorry.
Britain's most famous short trader Declan Donnelly said he didn't give a shit. He said "I'm rich and have my Learjet fuelled with a flight-plan filed for St. Lucia."
In other news, shares fell rapidly in white-reggae bank UB40 towards the end of trading as rumours of a laryngeal polyp affecting CFO Maxi Priest could lead to tour dates being cancelled.
Small-caps were hit by rumours that 95% of them were worthless no-hopers with tacky products riding the crest of an incoming tech-boom, due to peak around 1984.