Massive queues formed outside branches of The Heptenstall Bank (formerly Heptenstall and District Building Society) today as, according to the Telegraph, the Bank of England announced that the Heptenstall would not collapse.
Each carrying massive wads of cash, savers with as much as £78 billion pounds jostled to be the next to deposit their savings. "I've been waiting for several months to find somewhere to put the money I took out of the Northern Rock" said Mavis Fetherall, as she wrestled with a huge Bells whisky bottled filled to the brim with halfpenny bits.
A spokesman for the Bank of England said today, "Very naughty boys somewhere in the City have been spreading nasty rumours about Molly Pritchard's visit to the nurse. This kind of unfounded accusation has really upset Molly and may well unfairly affect her chances of getting some action behind the bike shed. For the good of the school this must stop now."
Elsewhere in the City: Investors in surfing-spy company Morph were cheered as the little Plasticine buddy first made famous by children's entertainer Esther Ranson performed a neat trick of dropping through a table to check out my secretary's legs.
Shares closed up 1984p (33%).