Written by queen mudder
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Friday, 1 February 2008

image for Lolita pole-dancing equipment a top loss-leader says Woolies
Part of the Lolita pole-dancing range

London - (Unbelievably Tacky Mess): High Street retailer Woolworths is said to be stunned at the barrage of criticism levelled at its top loss-leading under-12s' pole dancing equipment marketed under the Lolita range.

The company received over 500,000 complaints after disgusted parents said the perverted sales campaign was flogging crappy equipment "constructed from reconstituted lethal asbestos."

The dancing poles were subsequently found to be covered in a viciously toxic lead paint imported specially from the Chinese People's Republic ahead of UK Prime Monster Gorgon Brown's goodwill visit to Beijing in January.

"Our pre-Xmas promotion certainly got us an awful lot of unexpected customers last year," the company PR said today.

"Judging from in-store CCTV many of these seemed to be middle aged men wearing rubber mackintoshed, and of a certain age and inclination asking to see live demonstrations before making any hasty Xmas purchases.

"We are gobsmacked at the idea of having promoted toxic rubbish."

Sales figures show the company made a net £5 million loss for the third consecutive year despite strenuous efforts to broaden their appeal to new markets.

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