Written by Jalapenoman
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Monday, 28 January 2008

image for Customer Arrested In Grocery Store Express Lane Violation
Can you count to ten? You'd better in Arizona.

In Tucson, Arizona, ten items or less really means "ten items or less." Violate that law (only a store policy in most places), and you could go to jail.

Reggie Highland entered the Albertson's express lane with his cart on Sunday afternoon. He glanced at the headlines of the tabloids for a few moments ("Britney Spears Has Bigfoot Baby," "Batboy Starts on Super Bowl Team"). He placed his items on the conveyor belt. Then, he got spun around, handcuffed, and patted down.

The man behind him was none of than Deputy Sheriff Greg Tonstils. "I noticed that the subject put nineteen items on the belt. While his five for a dollar tomato sauce only counted as one item, and reduced his total to fifteen, it was obvious that he was over the limit. The subject showed a blatant disregard for the posted signs and warnings and risked the speed of service and safety to the customers in line behind him."

When asked what law was violated in the transaction, as there is no state, federal, or local law limiting the number of items in a grocery store line, Officer Tonstils was quick with his answer. "Trespassing. He was clearly trespassing. The posted sign said that the line was for ten items or less. Going into that line with a shopping cart with excess items is the same as illegally entering private property. Something had to be done. We have to teach these lifelong criminals a lesson."

This arrest, and possible conviction, will make Highland a perpetual criminal and could lead to his incarceration for ten to fifteen years. His other severe violations include speeding through a school zone (at 5:00 a.m. on his ten speed bike), carrying a concealed weapon (a Leatherman on a belt strap underneath a Halloween costume), and driving under the influence (returning from the same store after taking a shot of Nyquil for a cold).

Highland could not be reached for comment. As a potential habitual felon, he is being held in solitary confinement in a maximum security prison.

When asked if the arrest had done anything for his business, Store Manager Mark Shields said that "the lines seem to be moving faster in the express lanes and people are actually counting the number of items in their carts."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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