Written by King David
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: King David

Sunday, 18 November 2007

image for The King's Christmas shopping list for the insipidly wicked and earthy adult; includes green sex kit, trip on Spread Eagle Airlines and Fergus McCarthy confessional priest pocket pussy
Vegan--bean skin condoms can be an excellent substitute for latex

It was reported today that another profane shopping list produced in the bowels of some sordidly mundane and baroque satire writer with a swanky sense of humor has surfaced and landed on the shores of Spoof.

This out just in time for the Christmas season from that infamous sacred cow tipper, King David, who recently published "The King's Christmas shopping list of insipid toys for children you wish had never been born; including the freak show that is my country action figures with Britney Spears, Lindey Lohan, Paris Hilton and George Bush" has just published his new shopping list for insipidly wicked adults with an earthy sense of humor.

Topping the list is an unforgettably ruckus ride and round-trip on Spread Eagle Airlines to, none other than, Rio. Yes, fly that special person for 3 days and 3 nights, landing in Rio only to fuel up, play on the escalators and buy cheap plastic stuff in the airport gift shop.

First, your guest will enjoy walking through the T&A authorities, Backscatter airport terminal x-ray machines that have special technology to not only see inside your luggage, but also in your underwear and have the pictures broadcast over the internet.

They will enjoy countless flying hours and pleasures with topless stewardesses watching an insurmountable variety of pornographic movies and magazines, partaking in complimentary tray dances, using the vibrating seats, complimentary Vaseline, KY Jelly and paper towels.

For a slightly extra fee your guest can ask for services from a full array of movie mates including hand jobs, blow jobs, and sex in your seat, or, if you're seeking more privacy, the bathroom.

At slightly higher fees, and, at only certain times during the flight while the automatic pilot can be used for more than 20 minutes at a time, pilots are also available for sexual adventures, in or outside of the cockpit. Your friend will never forget the time that they spent on Spread Eagle, where the journey is truly the destination.

Buy a green sex kit for that tree-hugger lover with an earthy sense of humor. They come complete with silky and slippery (but not so slippery you'll slide out of bed) bamboo bed sheets, a larger shower nozzle that sprays two, natural aphrodisiacs including ginseng, kava kava root, damiana leaves, kelp, tribulus, ginkgo biloba, rhodiola rosea, horny goat weed, and maca.

Also, laser and electrolysis hair removal, after a number of treatments, can be more or less permanent, which might be greener over time. The Perverse razor from Recycledecultures has replaceable heads and an ergonomic handle made from recycled Stonyfield Farms yogurt cups. It also has a $12 device that resharpens dulled blade cartridges.

For slinky, slippery, sexy fun try Eco friendly undies. Underwear made out of organic cotton, hemp silk, bamboo, and other renewable fibers make ultra-sexy lingerie and underwear. And for safer, baby-free sex, nothing beats a Vegan bean-skinned condom. Since regular condoms have milk in them, Vegan condoms can be a viable and excellent alternative.

A masturbation kit might be that perfect gift for the wanker single in your life. Masturbation kits come complete with an assortment of pornographic DVD's and magazines and contain Kleenex, CT (ceaseless tossers) lube jelly and Vaseline, a door lock and cardboard targets with the following ratings: Bullseye, sharp shooter, toady wanker, firehose tosser and weak willy tosser--get another magazine.

Finally, the Fergus McCarthy pocket pussy is perfect for those times between tirades that you just don't want to take a lot of time to grease your monkey. It is also a perfect stocking stuffer for confessional priests and busy persons like you. Father McGuire Catholic altar boy, battery operated butt plugs sold separately.

Make King David's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 multiplied by 2?

4 2 22 18
103 readers are online right now!

Go to top