Just in time for the shopping season, Spoofwriter, King David has just come out with his list of insipid toys for youngsters that you wish had never been born.
Topping the list include all toys made in Chinese sweat-shops that contain lead-based paint. Lead paint causes lead poisoning, which, in turn, causes severe nerve damage resulting in nerve loss, liver poisoning, and, or cancer.
The next devilishly indispensable product for the perniciously savage child would be The Smithfield Foods North Carolina Pork Slaughterhouse Food Processing Plant set.
Children will spend countless hours playing in the food processing plant, experiencing what it is like to work in a racially segregated workplace. They can be the Hispanic worker that works in the cutting area making all the cuts that we see packaged ever so neatly and antiseptic in our supermarkets. Or be the African-American worker who works on the killing room floor and blows the brains out of pigs at point blank range with a 22 caliber rifle at the rate of 30,000 pigs a day. Or, if you can't stomach that, be the white manager who is paid four times the amount the Hispanic and Black workers and does and about half of the work.
Don't forget to take all your action figures from the plant to Church on Sunday, so they can experience one of Father Donald McGuire's arousing sermons and have them visit with the stripling sex solicitor in the confessional afterwards.
Father Donald McGuire action figure set comes complete with 12-year old Catholic altar boy and confessional glory hole with parishioner and arch-diocese leader whose head turns the other way.
Another popular choice among the religious/spiritual crowd is the Vietnam War era self-immolating Buddhist priest. This wonderful toy comes complete with full Buddhist ceremonial immolation gown, can of gas and Nirvana. Matches not included.
For the kid that just doesn't want to get out of the bathtub, try the Titanic action figure set with frozen dead people that just float around. That will cool the waters.
For great entertainment, buy Jr. Einstein's atomic energy lab and watch the children walk around with greenish glows. This product is foolproof and comes complete with a Geiger-Mueller radiation counter, a Wilson Cloud Chamber (to see paths of alpha particles), a Spinthariscope (to see "live" radioactive disintegration), four samples of Uranium-bearing ores, and an Electroscope to measure radioactivity. It also has the chemical, isotope-U-238-which has been linked to Gulf War syndrome, cancer, leukemia, and lymphoma, among other serious ailments.
Along the lines of war, no child is complete without his GI Joe with PTSD action figure. Bring GI Joe home from the Gulf or Iraq war and see what kind of maladies he can develop. How long will it take him to become divorced from mommy, or lose his sanity? Take him to the VA hospital and have him wait all morning to see a doctor. Have him come home and watch him develop insomnia.
Meanwhile, you can have the poser on an aircraft carrier action figure in full flight gear pretend to be an F-18 Navy pilot while the gay, Lawrence Craig toe-tapper figurine is in a stall in the Minneapolis Airport tapping his toe and soliciting sex.
The freak-show that is my country action figure set also includes the Britney Spears figurine with anatomically correct parts, no panties, and lady razor for shaving. Included in this show is the Hollywood starlet jailbird set which includes figurines of Linsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.
No freak-show that is my country action figure set would be complete without the The Osborne mansion set and the full cast from the WWF (World Wrestling Federation).
The "shake, rattle and roll" Elvis Pressley doll makes a great stocking stuffer for that tike that has a tendency to get on your last one because it comes with it's very own prescription of barbituates.
Finally, for the child you wish had never been born Christmas gift list, buy them The Spoof on-line Satire and Parody action figure set.
Yes, your child can make believe that they are editor, Mark Lowton making a close call on a headline story, or satire article, then, have him sprint to the nearest Manchester pub to escape all the "voices" inside his head.
Have your child be the J-man, Queen Mudder, Bucky E. Filbert, Fergus McCarthy, Gnarly Eric, King David, drugtestallpolitions, Warren Redlich, Robert Armijo, Moose and Squirrel, Jesus Buddah, Monkey Woods, Andrew Lawrence, Rotten Apple, Nickfun, Con Chapman, Space Elevator, or any of the other 4,000 writers escaping their families and work, at the end of the day, early in the morning, or the middle of the night and turning to satire to "send it all up" on self-imposed deadlines.