Wall Street, NYC - "Our profits fell below four billion this quarter," Chevron representative Rick James pleads, "which is the first time we've had a drop in earnings in more than 5 years!" Chevron CEO David O'Reilly took off from his month long, $10 million world tour today to go plead his case with the Bush administration.
The top ten oil companies in the world have been ever increasing profits for many years now, as the price of crude has been skyrocketing upwards towards $100 a barrel. Refining margins that were growing at extremely accelerated rates are now only growing at "pretty fast" rates.
As a result of the drop in net income, Chevron's stock fell an amazing 56 cents down to $88.48. "This is just not going to work for us," O'Reilly explains, "I've been trying to save up for my trip to the moon next month... with this news, I'll probably still get to go, but I'll have to skimp by canceling our stop at the International Space Station."
After a six hour meeting with President George Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, Bush proposed that they subsidize the industry to restore their profits to at least last quarter's growth rates.
"The oil companies have long been taking great care of this country," says Cheney in an afternoon press conference, "They take care of the environment, take care of consumers, and most importantly, they take care of my stock portfolio. It's time we pay that favor back now that they are experiencing these hardships." He continued to comment on how other companies have long been abused, citing the example of the fines placed on Exxon after the "misfortunate Valdez incident."
Even Rudy Giuliani got in on the action, apparently trying to vote-monger, "As someone who lived through the attack of September 11, I believe we need to subsidize the oil industry." Ron Paul immediately activated the botnet and responded, and we will update you on what his response says once we sort through our spam box.