Written by King David
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Topics: Washington, Senator

Friday, 26 October 2007

image for Senator Craig to be spokesman for Jiffy Lube
This worker will be responsible for much more than lubing cars after Senator Craig arrives

Washington insiders were not surprised today after senator Craig announced that he would go to work for fast lube-job specialists, Jiffy Lube.

"We see this as a good fit," said one insider who preferred to remain anonymous. "Since Senator Craig's arrest this summer, he has received nothing but criticism."

The Idaho Senator will go to work as a spokesman for the fast lube giant with more than 2,200 service centers in North America. Jiffy Lube is the largest system of franchised and company-operated service centers in the fast lube industry, servicing approximately 27.5 million customers each year.

"We feel that Senator Craig will be nothing but an asset for our franchise, said CEO (Chief Ejaculating Orifice) Justin Howe. "We feel that he will enable us to expand our markets in the Midwest and possibly let us add several services to our menu."

Services currently under review include:

  • Hand jobs in the Bay area
  • Dipstick removal from contracted engine blocks
  • Gay bathrooms with glory holes
  • Tap 'n go hydraulic lift riders
  • Fluid exchanges
  • Vibrating plugs
  • And extra gear lubrication

Modeled after NASCAR pit crews for Ricky Bobby Sr. on the Talladega Circuit, Jiffy Lube emerged on the fast-oil change scene in 1979 and was created to fill a gap left between the departure of full-service gas stations and the self-serve model.

It also took advantage of the cultural shift from old school, do-it-yourselfers (DIY-Dumb ass, It's Yesterday) to the do-it-for-me crowd (DIFM-Did I Forget Manhood).

Senator Craig will continue his duties in Washington and the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport through the end of the year. After which he will become spokesman for the Jiffy Lube Corporation headquartered in a stall near you.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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