Washington D.C. -- The United States Bureau of Commerce released 2005 GDP figures today revealing the highs and lows of today's volatile economy.
Skyrocketing oil prices, hyper-inflated real estate markets, and lackluster domestic auto production all combined to be a drag on the economy for most of 2005. The surprising news, however, is that these losses were more than offset by the 14,000% increase in profits in the extremely hot Effigy Market.
"It's hard to believe that an industry like effigy manufacturing could salvage a 10 trillion dollar economy but that's the case." says Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan. "That goes a long way in explaining the level of political discourse in the world today."
Once looked upon as a cottage industry at best, the Effigy Industry has been experiencing exponential growth since 2002. Paul Dunlap of the Effigy Manufacturer's Alliance says "Effigy manufacturers have had to double and sometimes triple their manufacturing capacity to accommodate the world's appetite for publicly castigating political and popular icons."
Effigy manufacturer Dead Ringer Inc. reports that worldwide sales of the "Commander in Chief" line of flammable presidential likenesses reached 6.8 Billion in 2005 outselling Tony Blair, Dick Cheney, and Keanu Reeves combined.
"This was a banner year for 'flambasting' people" says Dunlap using industry jargon. "In addition to all the usual suspects like Bush, Cheney, Bin Laden, Kim Jong Il, and Nick Lachey, we had some rising stars come out of nowhere like Scooter Libby, Jack Abramoff, Tom Delay, and that guy who won at Jeopardy for so long."
"Effigies aren't just for burning either, our market research reveals that the public is coming up with ever creative displays of their displeasure with public figures." To satisfy the demand we've introduced effigies that can affect decapitation, dismemberment, and grotesque anal impalement."
When asked how long the Effigy Market might be able to ride this wave of prosperity Dunlap answered, "I don't know how we can expect a longer string of scandals, human and civil rights abuses, cronyism, incompetence, and arrogance than the one we're currently experiencing. My guess is it'll by sunshine and roses for us until November 2008 unless Jeb throws his hat in the ring, God I hope so."