Written by Don Davis
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Thursday, 18 October 2007

image for IBM to Outsource 200% of its Workforce

IBM has announced plans to outsource 200% of its workforce to India and China. IBM VP of Human Resources Dinesh Gupta and VP of Worldwide Finance Mai Lai have devised a strategy to reduce costs and provide IBM with a backup of every person in the company. Every job in IBM will be duplicated in India and China.

Mai Lai explains "it'll be like every employee in the company is turned into a dual-core processor. We'll be able to get twice as much work done while saving money too".

When asked how IBM is going to save money hiring two people for every one current employee Dinesh Gupta responded "hey, it's almost like slave labor over there. They work dirt cheap and they're so afraid of losing their jobs they work 16 hours a day until they collapse. What a bargain".

Mai Lai explained the planned increase in productivity "…we probably won't get twice as much work done since studies show it takes 2.4 outsourced employees to do the work of 1 American worker but with the cost savings and my stock options I'm going to be set for life baby".

IBM CEO Samuel J. Palmisano also explains that this plan is a long-term strategy that's good for America stating "eventually all the baby-boomers are going to retire. It's easy to outsource high-tech jobs around the world. We're going to need our younger workers here to take care of all the baby-boomers inhabiting nursing homes. It'll be a lot more expensive to import all the foreign caregivers we're going to need later than to lower the younger generations' expectations and just screw them over now and get it over with".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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