City of London - (Ass Sting Mess): "It's not often the Fraud Squad and the FSA gets the chance to have a right laugh," Financial Services Authority chief executive Hector Sants said today.
Pants was talking to reporters after being told Virgin Intergalactic tosser Richard Branson is bidding to take over the cash-strapped Northern Rock bank.
The bearded New Labour arriviste has been eyeing the irresistible £15 billion of UK taxpayers' cash sitting in the Rock coffers following an eleventh hour government bail-out of the bank last month.
City sources said today Branson is putting together a buyout consortium led by Texan oil midget Zion Oil to take a majority stake in the troubled bank.
Meanwhile at New Scotland Yard the Serious & Disorganised Crime Agency was rubbing its hands with glee at the prospect of corralling the disaster-prone Virgin boss into laundering twenty years of crack profits into the Rock which City analysts have condemned as deader than a beached whale.
The Branson PR machine announced today it would seek to rebrand the Rock as Hymen Dosh once they got their grubby mitts on the Treasury's stash.
"Our proposal is the 'quickest possible solution' to restore public confidence in Richard Branson following the shambolic disaster of his Virgin Inter Galactic Shuttle which crashed in the Mojave Desert in August causing multiple fatalities and hospitalising scores of related personnel," a statement said.
"Mr Branson is renowned for having injected hundreds of millions of pounds in the past and sees this as yet another capital opportunity."