Written by King David
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Wednesday, 10 October 2007

image for Nursing homes to have more stringent requirements
This man must bench press twice his weight, squat 300 llbs. and fight America's future wars

A spokesman for the North Carolina Nursing Homes Association (NCNHA) said that nursing homes will now require all prospective residents to pass a strength test in order to be admitted. This new requirement is mandatory for all nursing homes in North Carolina and will go into effect at the beginning of the New Year.

"We want to have the best nursing homes in the country," said Rollin Depends. "Everyone must carry their own weight. We want no dependents."

The new strength tests will require all residents to be able to bench press twice their body weight and squat 300 pounds. If residents don't pass either requirement, they will not be admitted into a North Carolina nursing home and will be dependent on family members, or burial services to take them in.

Critics of the new measure fear that it will drive new retirees away from the state which currently receives the third highest number of gray heads in the nation. They also criticize the NCNHA on being too harsh on senior citizens and just wanting to cover up a failing system already in place.

"North Carolina has had trouble with their nursing care facilities for a long time now," says Cathy Cause. "This is just a smokescreen and a way to place the blame elsewhere instead of where it belongs with the money gouger owners of the facilities."

President Bush commended the NCNHA on their efforts and said that this nation needs strong senior citizens and alluded to the fact that they may be relied on to fight future wars for America.

A spokesman for the AARP was napping and not able to comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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