Written by queen mudder
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Thursday, 13 September 2007

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My Heart Bleeds! Northern Rock going down the pan this week

City of London - (Disaster Press): UK mortgage lender Northern Rock is going down the toilet pan and has had to ask the Bank of England to bail it out with a massive billion pound tide-over.

A statement released today said that "although the firm remains potentially profitable, it has been totally screwed in a massive UK litigation where it tried to rob one of its top customers, embezzle their assets and savings, hire a hitman to destroy the former customer's family and then engage in a seven year blackmail/harassment/defamation hate-war to save its ass from the Serious and Organised Fraud Squad."

Norethern Rock has been described by three successive UK High Court, Court of Appeal and Law Lords judges as "one of the UK's largest mortgage lenders as well as one of the country's biggest serial fraudsters since BCCI."

The Bank of England has now stepped in because the financial and political implications are so bad that "they could easily bring down the Government."

Bank of England governor Mervyn King told a House of Commons Treasury Select Committee yesterday that he would do everything possible to continue gagging the story including sanctioning the harrasment of the successful UK litigants who proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Northern Rock organization "didn't have a non-criminal atom in its entire spinelsss structure."

A Treasury source said later today:

"The fact that the Bank of England has been ordered to act as the lender of last resort is an indication that things are seriously fucked over.

"Although lots of banks are having problems right now no-one is in bigger shit than the Northern Rock.

"It's a lot more exposed than its rivals because a series of UK and overseas lawsuits has proved that it has been run by mosbter cartels since the old Thatcher days."

Another City analyst said today:

"We don't know where the poison came from.

"You have to look at all these bad deals as a bit like a blancmange that's been hit very heavily by a spade and it's gone everywhere.

"IE it's one helluva bleeding awful mess."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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