Vatican Shitty, Italy - (Ass Mess): Business is clearly booming in the superstition-peddling sector of civil aviation amid reports today that the Vatican has just launched it very own cut-price miracle tour carrier provisionally entitled Jeez! Jet Airlines.
The new fleet will promote low-cost pilgrimage flights to holy shrines around the world with the inaugural flight of 27 August flying from Rome to Blackfriaqrs Bridge in London - scene of the Vatican's biggest ever miracle to date where God's Banker Roberto Calvi was murdered on the JP2 Lodge's orders ion 1982.
Fifty aircraft have ben leased from former Soviet Aeroflot stock. All their propellers have been refurbished, the engines reconditioned, the seating re-upholstered and plenty of miraculous holy water sloshed all over in a dedication ceremony to un-hex any notorious cold war era chicanery.
In keeping with the religious theme of the airline nuns from the Our Lady of Bleeding Miracles convent in Palermo, Sicily will take on stewarding duties.
One of their most important tasks will be to ensure that no passengers give in to the temptations of the Mile High Club.
And with this in mind every plane will be installed with a customised video-link confessional where sinners can unburden themselves in pre-emptive acts of contirtion if the going really gets rough at 33,000 fewet.
For Opus Dei enthusiasts the Bleeding Miracles sisters have installed a flagellation booth for pilgrims wanting quickie penance after their confessional stints.
"Of course, there will be an extra charge for this facility," a PR source for the airline said today.
"But penitents can be sure of getting a first class service in the Opus Dei booth, which will be run by a specially trained Mother Superior whose main qualifications are a minimum weight requirement of 200 pounds, arms like buffalo limbs and an unparalleled penchant for sadism.
"Truss us, penitents will get a damned good result from this on-board facility!"