No sooner did Mattel recall all of its Chinese-made Polly Pocket play sets, Batman action figures, and Barbie dolls, due to dangers posed by lead paint or tiny magnets that could be ingested that Mattel recalled 3.6 million of its lucrative secret sex toys.
"The Mattel Sex Toys division has been kept secret from the public so they don't confuse it with the regular children's toys", said Mattel spokesperson Lydia O'Feely. "However, in the interests of good health we have to reveal this division now in order to prevent harm from vulnerable consumers".
"And to prevent lawsuits?" asked a Spoof reporter.
"We, yes, that too", O'Feely replied.
Mattel has been secretly manufacturing heated rubber vaginas, dildos, vibrators and aphrodisiac oils at a small plant in China since 1992 when the lucrative children's toy industry began to wane.
A Mattel spokesperson said that Chinese vibrators and dildos were manufactured for the smaller women's vagina and may cause extreme irritation and frustration if used by American women's much larger vaginas. The heated rubber vaginas may have a tendency to short circuit causing burned penises or erections which may be permanant. Many American men have praised the item for being so tight. Also, the paint used in all of these items contains prodigious amounts of lead which could cause paranoia, hallucinations and, eventually, death.
In addition, the Chinese made aphrodisiac oils contain Poison Ivy extract. Most Chinese are immune to Poison Ivy though it causes extreme pain in most Americans.