Written by queen mudder
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: goldman sachs

Tuesday, 14 August 2007

image for Goldman Sachs bails out Bush's hedge fund with $3bn
Imagine this pile only 10,000 bigger and you have $3 billion

Canary Wharf, Shitty of London - (Ass Mess): Hedge Funds, a term synonymous with Bush Slush Funds only even bigger, are financial scams open to invitation-only mobster cartels wanting to make a packet without paying any tax on earnings and run without the inconvenience of direct regulation by the SEC, NASD and other regulatory bodies.

So when one goes on the wobble and gets doshed up by crooks like Goldman Sax it brings a big, big smile to the Serious Fraud Squad and its US counterparts in the FBI and CIA.

This week Goldman Sax admitted that its Global Equity Opportunities fund has lost nearly a third of its value dropping nearly $1.8bn (£890m) after rumors that the Corrupt Bastards Club of Alaska is about to tumble and bring down with it US Justice Department crooks who were bribed by ExxonMobil to waive its $2.5 billion punitive damages for the 1989 Exxon Valdez disaster.

Goldman Sax has blamed "herd mentality" for GEO's woes and is bailing it out with a $3billion top up.

$1 billion of that sum is sourced from outside investors including the Californian billionaire (sic) Eli Broad, New York fund Perry Capital, and CV Starr - a financial vehicle run by former AIG insurance chief Hank Greenberg.

Goldman Sax's publicity blurb has been bullish about the move, describing it as a "valid investment opportunity" completely unconnected with any previous scams the Fraud Squad has in its burgeoning files on the City outfit.

When bankers are in trouble they tell news reporters that
highly complex "quantitative" trading models using mathematical algorithms in picking stocks are the science behind their every move.

"But these investment bankers and these so-called Hedge Funds they're nothing other than gambles, the sort that glorified bookmakers undertake each and every day," a top City analyst said today.

"The only sciene behind the facade is the formula by which the bankers work out their percentage rake-offs ahead of the game so win or lose they come up smelling sweet as a daisy.

So it looks like GEO has bombed on a certainty.

Losing $1.8 billion in a Bush-driven certainty of Iraqi oil flowing and the Brits doing what they're told, how could anybody ever lose?

Some have suggested that the GEO fiasco has exposed a structural problem.

"Goldman Sax has long hidden a massive problem which it has camouflaged by leaning on the former UK Chancellor Gorgon Brown to sell off UK state assets as if they belonged to the government and were not privately owned," a City insider confirmed todday.

"It all rests on whether Bill Clinton can pull off the massive £600 million heist of flogging off the US embassy building in London's Grosvenor Square to his ex-coke baron buddy Richard Caring.

"If that goes through, oldman Sax is relatively unscathed.

"But if Clinton bombs - as some believe he will - all hell will be let loose.

"And the end result?

"Mossad will sell the Clinton-Bush1 and Bush2 deal of shredding 9/11 NATO intelligence straight down the river.

"They've had enough of scumbag politics and are ready to blow the whistle on the Corrupt Bastards Club biggest ever secret: the Clintons."

Barack Obama is another tosser.

Make queen mudder's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Related Stories...


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 4 multiplied by 5?

2 4 14 20
105 readers are online right now!

Go to top