Alexandria, Louisiana - (Felonious Press): Are counterfeitters getting smarter or cops getting dumber? That's what is puzzling Louisiana investigators after a rash of fake $100 bills that flooded the market turned out to be bona fide $5 bills washed of their ink and re-printed as $100s.
"It's a great scam," Det Arthur Braincell said today after tests proved conclusive that removing the ink from $5 bills and re-printing them as $100s is easy, quick and can be done at home in the kitchen or garage.
"And the beauty of this process is that the bills all pass the pen test that's commonly used to identify duds!"
Last week 240,000 counterfeit $100 bills were collected around Alexandria.
"This town's begining to get a reputation for money laundering as a result," Braincell said.
"Whoever thought up this scam could already have made an absolute fortune.
"The same principle could theoretically be applied to other currencies, bank drafts, American Express Travellers' Checks and so on.
"Sure I think nobody would be dumb enough to try this on the Mexican currency because it ain't worth diddly squat.
"But British pounds sterling, euros and some of the Arabian currencies: all are good for an instant facelift that adds as many zeros to the printed figure as the currency printing limitations will allow.
"Just one word of warning: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
"Especially if you are dabbling with British bank notes, because washing the ink off Queen Elizabeth's face results in a nude picture of Princess Diana appearing in a pose suggesting she's shagging the entire Household Cavalry.
"Same with the Italian currency.
"Try laundering off the face of Benedito Mussollisni from the 50 billion lira note and Adolf Hitler pops up as a watermark.
"And the Vatican's 100 million Papal lira note?
"Wash off the ink off the ope's face and satan suddenly appears, performing an act of gross obscenity with that God's Banker guy that they topped for bankrupting their own bank!"