Written by Warren Redlich
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Topics: YouTube

Monday, 30 July 2007

image for YouTube Replaced With YouTube Two
The Wanker, hiding his mustache, uploads crappy videos to YouTube

YouTube was shut down yesterday by Google, which bought the company several months ago. Google replaced the online video service with a new version, named YouTube Two. The move was motivated by several problems with the original service, including high bandwidth demands, copyright issues, and lame content.

Google engineers have tweaked the new YouTube Two in a variety of ways. To deal with bandwidth concerns, they have arranged for a variety of servers around the country, in conjunction with Akamai, to serve content more quickly and offload demands on the main servers. They have also come up with a revolutionary new compression algorithm that uses one-tenth of the space of the older method.

As for copyright concerns, Google worked with a variety of content producers and all files uploaded to YouTube Two will now be subjected to video fingerprinting. Unlike the original idea of looking for patterns in the videos, this method actually looks for human fingerprints on the actual image. Copied content often has fingerprints that have been traced to an unknown mustachioed man in the UK who is referred to as "The Wanker".

The final achievement in YouTube Two is the shedding of weak content. Many users and critics complained in the past that 99% of the stuff on YouTube was, well, crap. YouTube Two will now scan the videos submitted looking for fecal stains on the camera lens, again using a sophisticated technique developed by Google. Some suggest The Wanker is responsible for this problem as well, while others say the new software also looks for his mustache hairs.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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