Royal Derby - (Old Crocks Press): Ten thousand jobs at British crockery factories around the UK will be lost following the news that there will no royal engagement, no royal wedding and no point in collecting over fifty million items of the House of Mountbatten china tat commemorating the matrimonial non-event of the century.
An estimated five tons of assorted William and Kate ceramic memorabilia is now destined for a landfill site.
And four hundred sycophantic UK tabloid royal romance journalists will be collecting their P45s ahead of an appointment at their nearest JobCentres.
At Buckingham Palace the Hellfire Club's very own royal Karl Rove figure, the Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon, is to be put out to grass.
His seven year reign of spinning a fairytale romance so improbable, so utterly incomputable in heterosexual terms and so totally daft in the first place that it boggles the mind how he managed ever to get away with it is over.
Meanwhile Clarence House staff report that Charles and Camilla are hiding out behind the sofa at Birkhall House in Scotland after losing a fortune at the bookies where they bet a year's civil list handout at odds of three to one on William and Kate's Westminister Abbey wedding ceremony this summer.
Lord Levy has been summoned to lend them a few bob to tide them over until the Saudis can be persuaded to dosh them up a bit more when the next UK arms dealing contract is signed.