Written by Trevelyan
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Wednesday, 4 April 2007

image for Starbucks admits to being Mafia.
Molly No-Toes, A dangerous crime LT with the Starbucks Mafia

In a statement that surprised no one, Starbucks freely admitted to being a Mafia. What they had to say next surprised even top market analysist. Starbucks plans to use their coffee Mafia to their advantage.

They plan to buy out every other coffee shop on the planet by, quote, "Making them an offer they can't refuse." Some analysists take this to mean that Starbucks will offer well over market value for the various companies they buy, others were more nervous about the omnious sounding quote.

There is some evidence that backs up the more hesistant analysist feelings. There have been rumors that some coffee shop owners that have refused to sell out to the corporate giant have awoken to find the severed head of a donkey in their bed with coffee beans scattered all over the place.

Several complaints from different small coffee shop owners to various officals have mostly fallen on deaf ears. One SEC offical was quoted as saying, "Starbucks is a big corporation, I can't see them doing something immorral." A republican senator quipped, "Hell this is America. If Starbucks wants to go out and become the biggest and best coffee company out there I say let em! We aren't a bunch of communists who should go around complaining when a big company acts a "little immoral" are we?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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