BENTONVILLE, ARK -- Wal-Mart, the universe's biggest retailer, with over $703,409 gazillion in sales last quarter, has abandoned plans to enter the banking business. The move comes after a Republican lawmaker released an email showing that the retailer had not been completely forthcoming about its plans.
"Of all people, a Republican!" wailed Wal-Mart's director of propaganda, Penny Pincher. "It used to be that we could count on Republicans to help us run rough shod over anyone who stood in our way. What's this country coming to?"
Wal-Mart's VP of World Domination, Cash N. Carry, had previously indicated that the juggernaut was eyeing the banking business for a number of different reasons. "With mortgage default rates rising, a lot of us has visions of Simon Legree dancing in our heads. All those foreclosures, lost to us forever," he sighed. "Plus, with the tighter bankruptcy laws, it would have been much easier to squeeze every lost drop out of any sucker dumb enough to sign up for our credit cards."
"There was a tremendous potential for building our retail operations as well," Pincher noted. "We were close to working out a way to foreclose on poeple so quickly that they wouldn't have time to get their things out of the house. Where would they have to go to restock, why to us, of course!"
In related news:
A new Arkansas based company, Mal-Wart, has filed an application with the FDIC to open a chain of banks with more than 1,000 offices nationwide. The company's list of current assets includes the state of Wyoming. Industry analysts expect the application to be approved before the of the Bush Administration.