Written by King David
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Monday, 26 February 2007

image for Former Qantas Airline stewardess fired for boffing Ralph Fiennes in john hired by American Spread Eagle
Restroom sign in American Spread Eagle aircraft

Former Qantas Airline stewardess, Lisa Robertson was hired on the spot by American Spread Eagle after being fired by her former employer, Qantas for punching Ralph Fiennes mile-high membership card in the cramped space of one of their airlines toilets on a flight from Australia to India last month.

Fiennes, an American actor, whose credits include "The English Patient" and an up-coming movie with Collin Farrell, was on his way to India on an STD-awareness campaign with UNICEF when the incident occurred. It was ironic since the actor did not practice safe-sex in the restroom, but was reported to have used condoms in a rendezvous in the actor's bedroom later that night.

The relieved Robertson said that she was glad to have found work so soon after being fired. It was reported that Robertson had taken Fiennes to the john with her after the two had apparently gotten into an argument and then made up, getting into a hot groping and kissing session that left the two breathless.

"I wanted him so much. I couldn't control myself," Robertson told tabloids. "I don't regret it. It was 15 of the most exciting minutes of my life."

Spread Eagle Airlines, the world's first topless airline sensing a therapeutic market after fears of flying soared with 9/11 and a market for clientele that just wants to relax and have a little fun along the way, started running its first flights last week. The new airline is focusing on the singles and swingers set and just wants everyone to have a good time and not be afraid to fly anymore.

"The journey is the destination," is our motto said Capt. John Henry. "We want everyone to enjoy their flying experience with us."

The airline boasts the following unique services:

pornographic movies and magazines
topless stewards and stewardesses and complimentary tray dances
a pick-up bar and disco
automatic seat intercom system to speak with someone in another seat
vibrating seats
complimentary Vaseline and KY Jelly
paper towels
and cocktails.

Other services that are extra include:

hand jobs
blow jobs
movie mates
sex in either your own seat, or the bathroom

Note: At a slightly higher fee and at only certain times during the flight while the automatic pilot can be used for more than 20 minutes at a time, pilots are also available for sexual adventures, in or outside of the cockpit.

A ride in the cockpit will cost $300.00.

In other news today, American Spread Eagle flight 101 taking off from Boston crashes shortly after take-off; pilot, John Henry died with his hammer in his hand.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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