Written by King David
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Wednesday, 21 February 2007

image for Spanish speaking "Dora the Conquistador Dolls" slaughtering the competition
Victim of "Dora the Conquistador" Doll

Spurred by a growing immigrant population in the United States and a push to teach children foreign languages at an earlier age, toymakers and consumers are going bilingual, especially Spanish. Spanish speaking "Dora the Conquistador" Dolls are beginning to rival and slaughter other dolls on the market that speak in Greek, French, German, Mandarin Chinese, Japanese and other tongues.

Modeled after 15th and 17th Century conquistadors, or Spanish "conquerors," "Dora the Conquistador" Dolls are equally violent. Accessories include: battle axes, spears, guillotines, diabolical strategies, gold trunks and muzzle-loaders. You can also purchase "Dora's Torture Dungeon and Execution Set," "Dora's Charging Mustang," or "Dora's Plague Enhancer Set."

Other dolls in the collection include:

The Hernan Cortez Doll
The Francisco Pizarro Doll
The Francisco Vásquez de Coronado Doll
The Vasco Núñez de Balboa Doll
The Gengus Kahn Doll
The Napoleon Doll
The Hitler Doll
And The La Malinche, La Chingada, (the mistress of Hernan Cortes) Doll

Conquistadora Dolls are reported to teach children phrases such as:

"Chinga a tu madre"
"Tu madre es un puta grande"
"Estás corriendo en la chingada" (You are running in that which is fucked)
"Lo más chingón"(I'm the baddest motherfucker)
"Me chingaron"(They screwed me)
"Coma Cacca" (Eat shit)
"Eres una marica"(You are a faggot)
"Cabrón" (Large goat, prick or motherfucker)
"Tu es la bicho de Britney" (You are Britney's vagina)

The dolls are reported to be selling at record numbers in the United States. Wal-Mart and Toys "R" Us are reporting record sales.

"There's been a shift in culture, where fascism has become popular again," said Reyne Rice, a trend specialist with the Toy Industry Association. "Toys just mirror what popular culture dictates."

Fissure-Dice toys said that Dora the Conquistador's Talking Dungeon was the best selling dollhouse in company history and look forward to further profits in the companies next quarter of sales.

In other news today, a Mattel Puerto Rican Barbi was impaled by a Doro the Conquistador doll.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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