Written by King David
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Sunday, 18 February 2007

image for First topless airline, American Spread Eagle, debuts
Spread Eagle Airlines debuts as World's first topless airline

America's friendly skies have just become much friendlier. American Spread Eagle airlines has just announced its first flight to the nether regions of your amygdala. After spreading its wings back in January, the airline is ready to begin service to airports all over the world.

American Spread Eagle president and CEO (Chief Exploitation Officer), Larry Glint said that the airline was created to fill a void for the American consumer who is able to purchase pornography just about everywhere they except the sky.

"Why not make it available to them in the sky," Glint commented.

But right-wing televangelist and arch conservative critic Jerry Fallswell said that "all we need is to carry the devil closer to heaven. Next thing they'll be asking for is live sex shows in space."

Other right-wing conservative groups weren't high on the idea either. Pat Rubberson said that it was a "sure fire way to spread venereal disease very fast. At 800 mph, it could become pandemic in no time," said the televangelist.

The airline was formed after a conversation Glint had with the defatiguable Hugh Heffner while attending one of his Christmas parties in the Playboy mansion in Chicago. The two nudity barons brainstormed (not having to work very hard) and came up with the idea for American Spread Eagle.

"American's friendly skies have become clique," the two multi-billion dollar tit moguls mused. "We needed to shake things up a bit."

The airline's mission was reported to cash in on America's love affair with sex, pornography and glamour and to provide Americans with an alternative to conventional travel. With headquarters in Charlotte, the airline's bible-belt base will add ballast to its swelling and sweltering balls and focus on a different type of travel said spokesperson for the airlines, Judith Martin.

"Most airlines are overanxious pieces of machinery wanting to transport people as fast as they can from one given place to the other. There is virtually no time to relax and take it easy on today's flight. It's sex before the foreplay. And after 9-11, everyone just holds their breath after take off and doesn't breathe until the landing gear is down. Spread Eagle Air wants to defeat that image and make their customers enjoy flying again. To us at Spread Eagle, 'the journey is truly our destination' and it doesn't matter where we go just as long as we enjoy and are fully present on the ride and not white-knuckling the whole trip."

Martin says that they are not necessarily targeting the business class as a customer although everyone is certainly welcome.

"We want to develop a broad base in clientele," she said ranging from business and professional classes to college students just needing to unwind after finals and young couples trying to escape their conservative parent's values without moving to California, and parents who send their children on flights alone during holidays and want them given a primer of the birds and the bees, to infants just needing a nipple to suck on.

It is also expected that a lot of Washington polititions will use the flight service.

Another one of our mottos, "What happens on Spread Eagle, stays on Spread Eagle" is also emphasized according to airline officials who want customers to know that they make their privacy the number one concern of the airline.
All ticket records are burned by the airline after a customer's scheduled flight.

Airline officials say that a number of services come with the ticket price including:

pornographic movies and magazines from start to finish of the flight
topless stewards and stewardesses and complimentary tray dances
a pick-up bar and disco
automatic seat intercom system to speak with someone in another seat
vibrating seats
complimentary Vaseline and KY Jelly
paper towels
and cocktails.

Other services that may be procured through airline staff, but are extra include:

hand jobs, blow jobs, movie mates and sex in either your own seat, or the bathroom. At a slightly higher fee and at only certain times during the flight while the automatic pilot can be used for more than 20 minutes at a time, pilots are also available for sexual adventures, in or outside of the cockpit.

"What we've noticed is that customers seem to relax on our flights," said PR Representative, Michael Ray, "and don't seem as concerned about where they are going."

"That's good news," said CEO Glint. "That means we can really focus on our services instead of our destinations."

Destinations now listed for the airline include:

Dubuque, Iowa
Sioux City, South Dakota
Billings, Montana
Bismarck, North Dakota
Ironwood, Wisconsin
Clinton, New Jersey
Butte, Montana
Boozeman, Montana
Dodge City, Kansas
Clinthill, Missouri
Mt.Willing, Nebraska
Saginballs, Michigan
The Bermuda Triangle
Washington D.C.
Longun, Ontario
Gashville, Tennessee
Terrie Hault, Indiana
Bloomers, Indiana
New Orifice, Louisiana
Amsterdam, Holland
Bejing, China
And Hell

In other news today, Britney Spears is banned (by her friends) from Spread Eagle Airlines for obvious reasons.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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