Written by Jalapenoman
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Friday, 9 February 2007

image for Chocolatier Willie Wonka Decides Not To Give Away Factory
Willie Wonka has decided not to give the chocolate factory to Charlie

World famous chocolate maker Willie Wonka has decided not to give his factory to Charlie Bucket, as was previously announced. Charlie won a golden ticket, along with several other children, and was given the opportunity to tour the secret factory back in the 1970's. He chronicled his adventures in the movie "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."

A few years ago, Bucket decided to remake the movie on his own, without Wonka's permission. The film "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" is apparently what has caused the riff between the two.

In a rare and exclusive interview, Wonka said the following:

"See his movie and compare it to the first one. Am I portrayed in a positive light? No, I look like a Michael Jackson style child molestor. Is my name in the title? No, but his is. Does it show me as being weird and say that I had a strange and abusive family life? We should keep those things private."

"Charlie just went too far."

"Let's look at him for a minute, shall we? Here is a boy with four worthless grandparents and a mother who works three jobs to support everyone. She is tireless in her devotion to her son and her family. So, when he wins his golden ticket, does he take her to the factory? No, he takes a worthless old man who wouldn't get out of bed before."

"On the day he was touring my factory, his mother was doing all of the laundry for a local Inn and couldn't even watch her son on television."

"I should have seen this in Charlie back then, but wanted to look on the bright side. I should have known."

"Grandpa Joe is 103 years old now. For a long time, he has slept in his stupid bed and made the oompa loompas do all of his running and his errands. He smokes his pipe around my chocolate all of the time and I have thrown away several batches. I had hoped he would die and stop corrupting the boy, but Charlie the man is even worse."

"He really is a bad egg."

"I can't decide if I'll sell the factory to Slugworth, Hershey's, Cadbury, or Nestles. I've got my oompa loompas set for life and they won't have to worry any more about wangdoodles. They can retire in peace to the countryside and raise their families without fear."

When confronted with the information, Charlie Bucket said, "What! I'll sue his weird ass off. I've already got him for false advertising since my original everlasting gobstopper gave out in 2003. When I'm done with him, he'll be broke and living in a shack next door to my mother."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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