SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA--In a press conference yesterday, Jack, CEO of The billion dollar Jack-in-the-Box corporation (JBX), announced the break up of his 13 year marriage to wife, Criket and surprised many with a new revelation, he is homosexual. Jack admits he was tired of years of deception and wanted out of his union with a woman. "I felt boxed-in", quipped Jack, wearing a Tommy Bahamas white ski sweater & matching wool hat.
"Our divorce was amicable. I gave the ungrateful cow $50 million and we have joint custody of Jack jr.", Jack continued, "Why the judge believes our son should have two moms bewilders me. He anguished many years before coming to his decision that he welcomed the help & support from another fast-food clown, Ronald McDonald, deciding to come "out-of-the-box". "Ronnie was so sweet, he lightly held my hand as we spoke."
In celebration of Jack's new "out-of-box" experience, Box aims to expand the concept of "open-wide and drive-thru" dining. "All franchises will be re-done in hot pink and matching tafetta blinds in the windows, piped-in muzak featuring old Broadway show tunes and I can hardly wait to show off my new "pink antenna balls", added Jack, glowing with excitement on the verge of peeing his Italian designer slacks.
In the works, a new menu will be introduce into their food selection."I call it "Let's ALL Skip", then Jack whispers, "...the calories." We're introducing, Quiche Lorrain, Cute & Curley Fries (fried in olive oil and red wine with a twist of lemon), Potato Wed-gees, Ultimate Cheese-Weenee, Bull-Dyke BBQ Manwich Burger, Big N Juicy Pickle and Chardonnay-Flavored Ice Tea" When asked about a possible homophobic customer backlash, Jack answered, "Oh Pooh! To those I say, stay home and eat dog!"
"To complete my metamorphoses, I've also decided to sell my professional football team, the Carnivores and have purchased both the "New York Theater Ballet" & popular " Bronx Negro High-Steppers Dance Company, plus, I've been thinking about a name change for sometime. To what I'm not sure. But you have to admit, Jackie, sure sounds pretty" Mr. Box adds with a playful wink.