London - (Ass Mess): Forensic scientists investigating a gang of former Irish pig farmers from Shergar, County Louse who have been trading under the banner of Treasury Holdings Ltd in order to purchase the fraudulently engineered deeds to Battersea Power Station have found what the UK press has described as a trimple-whammy quasar of a cocaine dealing scam which neatly rounds up every New Labour political donor and finance lender since Neil Kinnock blew it bigtime in the 1992 general election.
At first the investigators thought the triplet was just an illusion, caused by the splitting of off-balance sheet transactions linked to Victor Hwang's opiate trading franchises in Taiwan.
But back up from Hawaii's WM Keck Observatory and SatNav tracking satellite has found the scam really involves three massive black holes in the company accounts of all associated parties.
Using one of the Keck's 10m SatNav telescopes and measurements from one of the European Southern Observatory's 8.2m telescopes in Chile, forensic investigators uncovered a Colombian-registered cocaine trading emporium whose 2005-2006 output has been estimated at exactly the same amount of narcotic contraband seized by Royal Navy patrols in the waters of the Caribean during the corresponding period.
And now a team of Interpol officers is asking for a peek at the newly discovered quasar-sized accounting irregularities which they say have an ominous ring to them when seen in the light of the missing $18 billion of Saddam's Oil-for-Fraud programme.
"Scams of this size and proportion are very rare natural occurrences", said a spokesman.
"To find on is an unprecedented career-best. But to find three really blows your mind away."