Written by Dante Liberatore
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Friday, 29 September 2017

For over 50 years Ronald McDonald has been a symbol of family and fun spreading happiness to children of all ages around the world.

But earlier today, thousands of Ronald McDonald statues across the globe were either taken down or covered with black tarps, sending the once celebrated corporate mascot the way of Robert E Lee and Stonewall Jackson - all in response to Mr. McDonald's sudden and inexplicable lurid behavior.

"We knew there was a problem when we caught Ronald McDonald summoning the services of two local prostitutes," said Roberto Ortiz, the manager of a McDonald's in Provo, Utah. "And that dirty clown was lucky I didn't call the cops."

"The taking down of my statues is a direct assault on the long tradition and heritage of fast-food pride in America," Mr. McDonald said in response to the call-girl incident while lighting a cigarette and picking nothing but losers at a racetrack. "And besides," he added. "This week, it's Ronald McDonald, this week, it's Colonel Sanders. Is Speedy Alka-Seltzer next?"

The second sordid event that cost Mr. McDonald all his effigies took place at a McDonald's in Tempe, Arizona when Mr. McDonald, for no apparent reason, began choking an 8 year-old boy during a McDonald's birthday party. 

"It was an appalling act of needless violence that traumatized over 50 children," said the mother of the boy. "So Ronald McDonald will pay a price for his actions - even with Alan Dershowitz defending him."

"Look!", Mr. McDonald shouted back while taking four Oxycodone pills. "The little punk I choked kept throwing french fries at me, flipping me 'the bird' and stepping on my clown shoes - so he clearly needed a 'hint of death'. And furthermore," the jester added, "I've been putting up with screaming little brats for over five decades, so can't I act out for once in my freaking miserable life?"

The final tawdry incident that got Ronald McDonald statues banished occurred when, in a shameless attempt to restore his once sparkling image, Mr. McDonald adopted an African-American baby boy from Somalia. And when it became clear the cheap media stunt would not work, the fallen harlequin deserted his new son at the corner of Hollywood & Vine in Los Angeles, further disgracing his already tarnished persona - and leading to his arrest and conviction for Childhood Abandonment. 

Yet Mr. McDonald endured further hardship when the Hamburglar, in a move to up his ranking among McDonald's mascots, stole all of Ronald McDonald's financial information, rendering the defrocked funster the latest victim of identity theft. And that's when.. 

Ronald McDonald became homeless, with all his belongings in a stolen shopping cart, loitering in the inner-cities - all while smoking crack, drinking Wild Irish Rose and aggressively panhandling passing citizens. 

And when no one would give him a dime (thanks to all the negative publicity generated over his recent conduct), a crazed and disheveled Ronald McDonald turned to crime when he held up a customer at a McDonald's in Reno, Nevada - robbing him of $90 dollars, a smartphone and two cherry pies. 

And moments later, Mr. McDonald was apprehended by the police and charged with Armed Robbery, subjecting the sullied merrymaker to serve, if convicted, up to 20 years in prison. 

But before he could go to trial, Mr. McDonald, in an all all too familiar scenario with the police, was shot dead for "brandishing a gun" that was later discovered to be a half-eaten Sausage McMuffin wrapped in aluminum foil. 

Spokeskid Speedy Alka-Seltzer, a pallbearer at Mr. McDonald's funeral, recalled fond memories about his longtime friend. 

"I used to sell Ronnie tons of Alka-Seltzer when he was forced to down Filet-O-Fish sandwiches and vanilla milkshakes at birthday parties. But more importantly," Mr. Seltzer added. "..the statue removals were unfair because Ronald McDonald never involved himself in those 'creepy clown sightings'.  But in the end," the antacid mascot concluded, "..at least now Ronnie's tragic ordeal is finally over, and all I can say is plop-plop, fizz-fizz, oh what a relief it is." 

Ronald McDonald will be buried in an unmarked graved in New York City's Potter's Field (a cemetery for the indigent), his pallbearers will include Little Caesar, Chuck E Cheese and the Duracell Bunny, and the Taco Bell Chihuahua will give the eulogy.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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