Written by King David
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Topics: Britney Spears

Tuesday, 19 December 2006

image for "Sin Grasa, No Mancha"; Lotion Turns Satirist's Feet Into Udders; Spears Pops Out of a Lamp
Pull the 'udder' one!

In startling news today, it was discovered that the use of a product called, Udder Cream as a foot lotion could cause your feet to turn into udders. This was discovered while satirist, King David, after getting out of the shower, rubbed several splotches of the lotion into his feet.

"I was rubbing my feet," said Udder Crème user and satirist, King David "when all of a sudden, my big toe turned into a tit. Then, tits began popping out and taking the place of all of my toes. Before I knew it, my whole foot looked like the sack on the underside of a pregnant cow."

Udder Crème, made by Reddick Industries of Salem, Ohio, does not have warning labels alerting English speaking customers of this potential side-effect. All their warning labels are written in Spanish. This leaves all the English speaking users of the product to guess what phrases like "Sin Grasa, No Mancha" mean.

It was assumed that the reason why all warning labels were written in Spanish and not English was because of the prevalence of Hispanic workers on the American farm.

"There is no reason to have our instructions written in English," said company spokesman, JJ Reddick. "Farm supervisors are never going to use the product directly."

A spokesman for the Bovine Labor Union (BLU), Dan Blue said that he was concerned about the use of this product on animals and was in the process of drawing up a petition for the cows to sign stating that they do not want it used on their udders anymore.

"This stuff, as far as we are concerned, is untested," said Blue. "We are going to have to see more evidence that it is not affecting the cows adversely before we give it the go ahead."

A spokesman for the Mexican Labor Union, Jose Ramirez, said that no incidents like this have been reported by Mexican laborers.

In other news today, lamp maker Aladdin Industries said that they would be coming out with a new magic lamp. The new magic lamp would come in standard sizes, but be in the shape of a foot. In the past, the manufacturer has experimented with different designs, but seems to keep coming back to industry standards.

The manufacturer said that they weren't sure which celebrities they were going to "bottle" and use as the genie for male and female versions, but, say critics, "you can bet your sweet ass that there is a strong chance a naked Brittany Spears is going to come out of one of those things."

The manufacturers said that the new foot-shaped lamps would be out for the Christmas season.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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