Written by Red.S.Crotum
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Topics: Health, Fast Food

Saturday, 19 August 2017

Following claims by the McDonut's chain that their burgers are more nutritious than a rump steak, the International Standards Association conducted a scientific analysis of their burgers globally. The summarised results show the following slightly worrying contents:

Cardboard - 40%
Cockroach scales - 3.8%
Human fingernails - 1.5%
Aluminium - 2%
Lead - 4.5%
Undigested grass - 11%
MSG - 6.7%
Fungus - 5.9%
Radioactive water - 17% (substantially higher in the Fukishima and Chernobyl outlets)
Meat (unidentified) - 7.6%

McDonut's spokesman Chiko Quatrapunder held a press conference at their Oakbrook, Illinois headquarters this morning. Quatrapunder explained the results. "It's just a technicality. In order to keep the price point of our burgers where most people can afford one it's been necessary to add certain supplements. We market-tested a large sample of our burgers and obtained a 100% approval rating from 5,000 participants".

Questioned by journalists on where the samples were taken, Quatrapunder said, "We wanted our mascot, Donald McDonut, to spread his love so we chose Africa as the test base." Quizzed further, Quatrapunder advised that the samples were taken in Niger, Mozambique, Eritrea, Guinea and Madagascar. "We chose countries where people really appreciate food. All the participants were very keen to comment on the burgers."

Journalists pointed out that most of the people in those countries are starving and questioned the validity of the results. Quatrapunder then vigorously defended the study, saying "Well, yes, maybe they were all on the hungry side, but just look at how much good we've done. In Niger for instance the infant mortality rate declined by 10% during the sample period. And everyone, even those too weak to feed themselves, just loved our burgers and volunteered to eat even more samples. In fact they ripped the sides off the trucks we used to transport the samples and stole the remaining samples. To get a 100% approval rating is unheard of and we at McDonut's are very proud of our product and our Golden Arches".

Pressed further about the burger's contents, Quatrapunder pointed out that ten million a people around the world eat a McDonut's burger every day "and that speaks for itself." McDonut's shares closed at US131 today following a 10% drop. Meanwhile shares in the US' largest cardboard manufacturer "Edible Cardboard Inc." rose 28%.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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