Written by dickmitch
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Sunday, 13 August 2017

Barry Scott has spent a 2nd month in a medically induced coma after becoming seriously ill from drinking a potentially lethal amount of miracle household cleaner Cillit Bang.

We've learned that Scott initially took to drinking the product after being made redundant by the brand in 2016 in favour of a younger sexier brand ambassador.

Scott was admitted to hospital 9 weeks ago during a night out with his brother Larry Scott. Larry recalls "Barry had been topping up his Gins all night with a dash of the Bang, the barman spotted something was up when he realised Barry's empty glasses were already so clean he could put them back on the shelf".

The barman apparently called for help once Mr Scott started foaming at the mouth, repeatedly shouting Bang-Bang whilst obviously defecating in his chinos. By the time the paramedics arrived, it is believed he'd consumed an entire bottle of the product once famously used to clean Plutonium off the tiles at the disused Dounreay Nuclear Reactor.

Given the effort saved in cleaning glasses the barman had initially thought about introducing "Gin Bang" as a regular cocktail, if it wasn't for the whole intoxication, unresponsiveness and needing a machine to help you breathe thing...

Scott's wife Carrie Scott is said to be distraught and worried he may never wake up, especially given that she simply does not know how to clean anything around the house. Several middle-class neighbours have complained the Scott household is attracting rats and other vermin to the area given the obvious build up of "ground-in dirt" on their common household surfaces.

"I just left it all to Barry", Mrs Scott revealed, "every time he put on his cleaning clothes - blue shirt, white vest and chinos - I just knew he was ready to tackle our prevalent limescale, rust and hard to reach oven areas. I've never even hung around long enough to watch him clean, once the excitable shouting started I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him. I knew it was safe to pop back upstairs when I heard him shout "BANG! And the dirt is gone" - it's a catchphrase he actually came up with himself you know, he first said it on our wedding night, right after we consummated the marriage".

We sent a case of Cillit Bang to the Scott household, post interview. However we have subsequently learned Mrs Scott unfortunately mistook the packaging for a bottle of Vimto and is currently in an adjacent bed to Barry with extreme and yet extremely clean vomiting.

Their devoted sons, Gary & Harry Scott, are said to be dividing their time between their hospital bedside's and going head to head auditioning for a new power cleaner TV infomercial "Sullit Boom" (a completely unrelated product to Cillit Bang, according to a hastily put together press release by the newly formed Sullit Boom marketing department).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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