ANYTOWN, USA -- At McDonaldo's, if you buy anything other than a 1/4 Pounder, you can go pound sand, as far as the freshness of your order is concerned. "We don't do 'fresh,' when it comes to our hamboogers, cheeseboogers, or Big Macks," CEO Ronaldo McDonaldo said, "but, if you're man enough, or woman enough, or transgender enough, to down a 1/4 Pounder, then you'll get fresh."
By "fresh," McDonaldo means fresh: the beef for 1/4 Pounders will be "harvested right from the hoof," McDonaldo said, "so I hope you like your red meat red."
The move is a concession to the company's customers, carnivores who want to see blood.
To cook the beef, the restaurant "chefs" "will walk the steers through the kitchen before butchering them, alive, on the hoof," McDonaldo said. "We won't use frozen hambooger, the way we did before our customers became health-conscious snowflakes."
Critics of the company--and there are multitudes--say McDonaldo's change isn't about their customers at all, but about their competitors. "They're trying to keep up with Windy's, Smashbooger, and Inn & Out," Daisy Mae Chattel declared.
McDonaldo's isn't the only fast-food company introducing menu changes. As a result of the health scares its inclusion of E. coli bacteria in its food caused, Chippedbottle will no longer serve its tortillas and other menu items with microorganisms of any kind, and their employees have agreed to wash their hands after using the restroom.