Come one, come all.
In a recent press conference, Donald Trump unveiled a major accomplishment that only a select few people knew about: an entirely adult-oriented and adult-themed amusement park on the outskirts of Las Vegas, NV. This reporter had a chance to talk to 'The Don' for a few moments between reading reports and conducting business.
"Look, listen to me," the 70-year-old entrepreneur said, leaning forward in his chair. "When people come to Las Vegas, they come here to have fun. A bunch of them, they don't have families, don't have kids... those guys, they can cut loose. So I thought to myself, 'You know, maybe I should do something like ol' Walt's [Walt Disney's] place, but change it to adults-only.' So that's what this place is."
While there are many adult establishments in the United States, PornoLand is the first full amusement park of its kind to be exclusively adult oriented. All shops, activities, attractions, even the landscaping are geared towards the exotic and erotic. Visitors to the park can freely interact with staff members, who are in majority very attractive ladies dressed in sensual, revealing costumes, and are always willing to give a helping hand. Also present in the park are a large number of incredibly realistic "dolls" from Sinthetixxx Animatronix, whose private time may be negotiated for a nominal fee. (A breathless report from a disheveled Eric Trump stated that "oh yeah, it was fucking awesome.")
A simple walk through the vast park is astounding, a place where all the stops have been pulled out and tossed aside. Take a "Rocket Ride" through a black hole, or get drenched in "The Wet Kitty." Go on "The Big Shot," a vertical rollercoaster that sends you skyward atop a giant plume of water. Ride a canoe at "The Little Man In The Boat," or visit 50 Shades of Sensual for the latest in erotic lingerie and intimate apparel. For lovers of the outdoors, take a walk through "The Garden of Earthly Delights," where the bushes and shrubbery are carefully maintained to resemble various positions from the Kama Sutra.
Want to see the world's largest dildo? Measuring in at a whopping 12-foot-4 inches, "King Dong," created by California-based Pipedream Products, will be on display at the Good Vibrations Antique Vibrator Museum, which also houses the world's largest collection of Victorian sex toys. While you're in the area, stop in and pose for a picture with your favorite adult film star at Madame Tossoff's House of Whax.
Getting hungry? Grab a "foot-long" and a double milkshake at Dom's Subs, or a "biggie" burger and fries at Mr Happy's - super-size it for best bang for your buck! Pick up genitalia-shaped candies and popsicles at Oral Pleasures, then relax at Slick Willie's with cocktails and highballs. Pour yourself a stiff one at Biggun O'Toole's, with their signature drink: Mount-And-Do, a creamy liquid Viagra-based concoction that will definitely put some lead in your pencil.
Parts of the park have been renovated to resemble famous red-light districts, such as Amsterdam (Netherlands), Soi Cowboy (Thailand), and the Tenderloin (San Francisco, CA). Want to visit an authentic Western bordello? Head over to a full-scale replica of the Bird Cage Theater (from Tombstone, AZ). Between the bawdy burlesque shows every night, and some of the sexiest saloon girls, soiled doves, and ladies of the evening, you'll have no trouble remembering why it was called the Wild West.
"It's crazy-cool working here," Lola of Lola's Creampies bubbled. "You're in the middle of all this sex-related stuff all the time, the atmosphere is charged with it ... it is a huge fucking turn-on. I swear, sometimes I have to change my panties several times a day or just go commando, because this whole place gets me dripping wet."
Live entertainment abounds at the park, with many acts to choose from. A stellar lineup has agreed to play at the park's grand opening: Big Jim And The Twins, The Bearded Clams, Kiss The Girls, The Love Missiles, The Purple-Helmeted Warriors, and KnuckleShuffle. Also performing will be Swedish band Pink Taco with their chart-topping monster balled, "Tango For Two." (For those of you who are more daring, be sure to check out "Breasticles," an all-transsexual revue, now playing at the ThighGap Theater.)
"This place is going to be big, biglier than big. It's gonna be yuuuge," Donald bragged of his new park. "It's sex, okay? Everybody does it, wants it, gets it - everybody! Sex sells. You can have a Chevy with a hot girl in a bikini draped over the hood sitting next to a Ferrari, no one's even going to give the Ferrari a second look."
"This is why I made this place," he continued. "You come in here, guaranteed you're going to get off as many times as you want. I mean, Vegas, right? They don't call Las Vegas 'Sin City' for nothing. All I did was take what Vegas already had to offer and blow it up to ginormous size."