Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 11 October 2016

image for Why the UK has opted for plastic cash
More money than anybody will ever have again

Teresa May has revealed why she asked Mark Carney, the current governor of the Bank of England, to make all future British Currency out of plastic.

"We feel," said May, "that these new notes showcase the British Currency perfectly."

The initial similarities are immediately apparent, with the new notes being as slippery as Stirling is on the international money markets.

"If you stand on a stack of two or more of these notes," said Teresa, "You're over, falling and landing on your arse in an embarrassing heap. We did worry about a possible health and safety aspect for this issue, but as Mark Carney told me himself, after Brexit, the general public will be lucky to have two notes that they can stack."

Secondly, these notes shrink rapidly when a little heat is applied.

"This is the most accurate aspect of the new notes," said May. "When you put them in the tumble drier, they shrink to a fifth of their size in moments. Exactly like the currency will be doing post-Brexit."

Finally, the new notes appear to be indestructible, but in reality are fragile, easily torn, burn rapidly with a noxious acrid smoke and perfectly represent everything the British currency will be come April 1st 2017, when Britain finally invokes Article 50 and leaves the European Union.

"I don't know why people are complaining," said May. "We did warn you."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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