Written by Joanie Chevalier
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Wednesday, 12 August 2015

image for Target Continues Its Nonsensical Non-Labelling
Fruit Gummy Bears at the Bottom of a Barrel at Target

In its sweep of non-labelling, Target turned the tables on fruit lovers. Not wanting to offend anyone, its fruits, fresh or packaged, will now be thrown into a large bin and with signage: Fruit Flavored Stuff.

"If you want a lime for your Corona or a lemon for your Salmon, well, you'll have to dig through the Fruit Flavored Stuff bin to see if you can find it. Fruit gummies? Yep, maybe at the bottom of the barrel, if you're lucky." says a spokesperson who wanted to remain anonymous.

For the Target stores that sell bacon and sausage links, well, good luck with finding those. However, you may find a small sign labelled: "Pig Innards."

"We want to please the few people who complained. They may not want to see a sign labelled "Bacon"; they may gag when they see bacon. We do not want our one or two customer out of 1.5 million gagging. Our executives decided to simply throw the bacon and the links together in a heap in the fourth cold storage door."

"We heard that this may roll on over to Sears, and they may move stuff around their stores to make it even. It offends people when men are caught staring motionless at a Craftsman 230-Piece Silver Metric Mechanic's Tool Set but not spending equal time staring at a Singer 100-Stitch Stylist Sewing Machine. It's just not FAIR! Men should know they can sew as well as take motors apart! If we don't tell them this, who will?"

The men's restroom? Not labelled, sorry. You can now open any door in the store and piss anywhere. They just ask the men not to piss on any clothes. Maybe go into a dressing room.

"After all, we are here to please. We aim to please the customer, and sometimes we see men dancing around wanting to go pee but are embarrassed or too busy concentrating on something to recognize that they have to pee," the spokesperson remarked with a wink.

This reporter dared to label. "That's just creepy, Target."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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