A study released this week by the Michigan Institute of Technology's School of Clothing and Clothes-Wearers has found that ties serve no purpose at all. The study is the result of six years' research, and an estimated $42 million in public funding.
"The need for ties has been waning ever since the invention of the button," said George Vincent, Professor of Neckware. "Moreover, the clear link between the wearing of ties and auto erotic asphyxiation simply cannot be ignored."
Among the many dangers associated with wearing ties, the study describes a vicious class warfare being waged between the wearers of the single- and double-Windsor knot.
Manufacturers of silk goods are bracing for a sharp decrease in sales. "This is a huge blow for us," said Hugo Stefanopolos, owner of Ties, Handkerchiefs and Other Unnecessaries. "It appears our secret's out."
Families are also expected to be hit hard by the study. Wives and mothers will have nothing to give their male relatives at Christmas, and Fathers' Day sales figures are facing a record low.
The study comes just weeks after four California scientists claim to have established a link between cufflinks and heart failure. That study has since been criticized by members of the medical profession, after it emerged that portions of its funding had come from the button industry.