The Raleigh News & Observer is reporting this morning that a Raleigh police officer is suing Starbucks for one million dollars. His lawsuit states that he gained over three hundred pounds in three years from free donuts he had been given at the store.
"These doughnuts have ruined my life," stated Officer T.J. McCorkle in an interview with the newspaper. "I am depressed, my health is ruined and my wife is totally estranged. I am constantly bilious, I am always out of breath and my fellow officers are shunning me. I AM NOT the only one in this world that farts in a crowded elevator for God's sake!"
His wife is also a co-complainant and states in the filing, "I have lost a willing partner. My God, you couldn't find that thing of his with three men and a bomb sniffing dog! It's like trying to make love to the Goodyear Blimp! My life is totally destroyed!"
Starbucks has denied any culpability whatsoever and has stated through a spokesperson, "Officer McCorkle took free donuts over a three year period not only willingly but aggressively. Our Raleigh store is in a very upscale neighborhood. Officer McCorkle, over a three year period, walked into this store every morning at the busiest hour and shouted I smells Mra-jew-ana in this place! Of course we gave him the dozen donuts. Our regular customers are very important to us. No telling how much good weed was flushed down the toilet on these mornings!"