Written by Gee Pee
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Friday, 27 March 2015

image for Customers vote with their pocketbooks (and wallets)
Starfuchs customer: "We're holier than thou."

Consumers, tired of having companies lecture to them about what's hip and cool and, well, morally right, are fighting back.

"If Starfuchs want my five buck, none their baristas better be lecturing me bout how to live my life," Black Panther Sam Honky said. "I hate whitey so much I don't even be putting no cream in my coffee. I takes it black and beautiful."

"I couldn't agree more," Tom Afro agreed. "I hate people of color, and that's nobody's business but my own."

The fact that Honky and Afro agreed to disagree, Starfuchs CEO Howdy Doobie Schultz says, "proves our racist campaign is working. We have people of different races agreeing about race."

Neither Honky nor Afro agreed with Schultz.

"Agreeing to disagree mean we be disagreeing," Honky pointed out.

Afro agreed. "We're disagreeable."

Another attempt at propaganda, this time by the LGBQETC community, has also generated a backlash. The group Little Lezzie Wannabes' lesbian ballad "Gurl Krush," which tells the story of a bisexual female who hopes to horn in on her ex-boyfriend's new boy toy, generated outrage when a country music disc jockey gave the platter a spin in Boys, Idaho.

Listeners sent "hate mail" and ranted in "hostile" telephone calls to the station's manager, threatening to boycott the station. DJs have since been forbidden to play the song.

JC Penney's also outraged a million moms, give or take a few thousand, when, under the dubious leadership of a former CEO who had promised to increase sales by "revamping" the staid store's image, JC Penny went "gay," hiring Ellen Degenerate as it spokeslesbian and redecorating its retail outlets in Lavender Boys Pink and Vaginal Fuchsia.

The company's loyal--and some say, only--shoppers, heterosexual women, or "breeders," as the CEO referred to them, were not amused. They boycotted the department store chain, which now seems headed for certain bankruptcy.

Can Starfuchs be far behind?

Schultz doesn't think so. He's already come up with the coffee shop's new public relations gimmick: "If our customers don't like the LGBQETC community," he sneered, "they can just take their heterosexual dollars elsewhere!"

Drunken Donuts' spokeswoman, Ima Straight, says her company would be "happy to have Starfuchs' heterosexual castoffs."

"We don't dictate to our customers," she said. "We're not trying to change people; we just want to make a profit selling coffee and doughnuts."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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