International Business Machinations (IBM) denied reports that it plans to lay off 100,000 of its employees after losses for each of the last 11 successive quarters.
"We're in the money," CEO Ginni Romney (no relation, as far as can be determined, to presidential hopeful Mitt), "just not as much as we were, back in the day."
At most, she said, Big Boo Hoo, as the company is "affectionately known," will fire no more than 99,999. Her own position, Romney added, is "not at risk at this time,"
Shareholders agree. "We're solidly behind our chief operator--for the moment."
Market analysts blame IBM's problems on the weather. "Their former customers have moved their companies' computer ops to the Cloud," Goo Gull, a market analyst said.
However, some contend that IBM will terminate even more than 100,000 employees. "I hear it's more likely to be 112,000," blogger Bob Cringe says.
Operating in the cloud does have some "distinct advantages," Romney admitted, such as agility, low cost, device and location independence, maintenance-free maintenance, high productivity, reliability, scalability, elasticity, and security, to name only a few. But Big Boo Hoo has one thing no cloud can deliver: our corporate logo, which is known, around the world."
"It's known, all right," Gull agreed. "For the same reason that the dodo bird and the dinosaurs are remembered."