Wallgreens has always wanted to be your pharmacy. Now, the drug store chain apparently wants to be your doctor, too. Not only does it operate a Mini Klinik in each of its locations, but the company also decides whether or not to fill its customers' prescriptions.
"Who knows better," CEO Stefano Pissoff asked, "your physician or your pharmacist?"
The company's druggists have refused to fill prescriptions for pain pills, birth-control pills, and other medications.
"Medical doctors are quacks," Pharmacist Technician Ima Pusher pouted. "They're pill happy, prescribing needless medications for people recovering from surgery or for irresponsible tarts who've gotten themselves preggers. At Wallgreens, we won't stand for such harum-scarum behavior, whether on the part of doctors or patients."
The company's policies seem to differ from store to store. "They're inconsistent," Food and Drug Administration (FDA) spokesperson N. Tru Sieve whined, "and, in some cases, illegal."
As an example of one of the company's illegal actions, Sieve said that a store in Huntsville, Alabama, refused to sell the morning-after pill to a man whom the clerk suspected was attempting to purchase the item for "a close member of his family." The customer admitted that the pill was for his niece. "She has self-esteem issues, despite being gorgeous and sexy," he lamented, "so I agreed to buy the pill on her behalf. What's wrong with that?"
Transitioning male-to-female transsexuals have also experienced difficulty in filling prescriptions for female hormones. "Those people are disgusting!" Will Knott-Phil winced. "There's no way I'm going to help a dude become a dame!"
Wallgreens pharmacists' and drug clerks' insistence in acting as their customers' personal physicians, providing flu shots, offering second opinions, and refusing to fill legal prescriptions written by qualified medical doctors is "tantamount to practicing medicine without a license," critics contend.
"It's also dangerous," Dr. Mel Lingerer sulked. "Sooner or later, their refusals to fill prescriptions is going to result in a patient's death."
The drug chain is supposedly "reviewing its policies" on the matter of their employees' practicing medicine behind the pharmacy and in the stores' Mini Kliniks, "but it's unlikely we'll change our practice," Pissoff predicted. "After all, we know best what's best for our customers."