Friday, November 28th 2014 will reign as a black day in British history, black not only for the dark deeds done on that day but also for the foul American import that caused them - BLACK FRIDAY!
Long accustomed to importing all new things American, England has finally introduced an epidemic that is proving to be every bit as bad as when the Black Plague was brought in by ships in the 1500's. Many times in the past has Great Britain had to suffer though tribulations such as the Viking Invasions, the Saxon invasion, the Blitzkrieg, American country music, terrorist bombings and karaoke, but never anything like this.
A new tradition on the U.S. scene as well, the post-Thanksgiving major buy-a-thon that induces a feeding frenzy among ordinary citizens is equal to a post apocalypse zombie attack. Consumers descend on stores starting at midnight Thanksgiving like the Mongols did to Europe with an equal rapaciousness. The violence is also on the same scale. Fistfights over Barbie dolls, kicking to get the last big screen TV, eye gouging over the latest I-phone on sale; it is Ferguson-like mayhem on a national scale.
Now this illness has reached the shores of the British Isles like a mutated Western version of Ebola. Normally staid and reserved, British shoppers have been known to turn into near Vlad the Impaler like demons in their quest for cheap buys. A most virulent form of this disease can be found among those in the electronics sections. It is here that the greatest barbarity occurs in the lust over smart phones, computer tablets and cameras. Gadget junkies strangely seem to be some of the most diabolical of the insatiable shoppers. Bites inducing rabies are common. Missing limbs have turned up during clean-up. While profits have been greater there, the extra cost of paramedics and hazard bodily waste disposal has been exorbitant.
British Prime Minister Cameron has declared a state of emergency in several department stores in London and other major cities. Smoke has been seen to be rising from Harrods. Hospitals have been choked with casualties and families are searching for missing. An emergency session of the European Union has been called for to prevent the epidemic from spreading to the continent.
In a hastily assembled meeting of Parliament Cameron has added the United States on the list of terrorist organizations exporting mayhem to Great Britain, right behind Al Queda and ISIS. "We suspect this is perhaps a deliberate attempt by the colonies to destroy England. I wouldn't put it past them." said Cameron.
The U.S. State Department has been strangely silent on the matter. Secretary of State Kerry mumbled something at a press conference that not even the best of British translators understood and left.
May God have mercy on us all. Especially with the Christmas Holiday shopping season coming up.