Written by Vondrook
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Friday, 25 July 2014

image for Extend Your Shitty, Meaningless Existence With the Nutrirocket Food Extractor!

The Nutrirocket food extractor is the latest, most scientifically-proven way to extend one's painful, lost existence indefinitely. Thanks to the most innovative in 21st century euphemisms, we have magically turned a 40 dollar blender into a $120.00 (Plus $40.00 Shipping and Packaging) nutritional what-a-painful-life-extender!

Blenders make smoothies, but the Nutrirocket makes supercharged superfood nutriblasts! Imagine saying that out loud to yourself while you're thinking about all of the pain you've caused others! If you don't believe us, just listen to these testimonials.

Jerry, a 53 year old accountant from Kansas writes: "Before discovering the Nutrirocket food extraction system, my life was a downward spiral of misbegotten opportunities and failed executions. But now I feel like I can go through my divorce and forced into early retirement all over again!"

Sherry, a 62 year old homemaker from Tallahassee wrote to us saying, "I used to sit at home and do nothing with my day to day life until I began liquefying my food. And now I have this renewed energy and vigor to watch TMZ and Entertainment Tonight for hours and hours on end without falling asleep in the early afternoon. Thanks, Nutrirocket!"

Along with a change in diet and exercise, prescribed medication, and chemotherapy, the Nutrirocket will relieve such ailments as elevated cholesterol, high blood pressure, and cancer, respectively. And the Nutrirocket food extraction system is much quieter than a blender as well, so you are able to make your juice while hearing the phone not ring. Well, except for the creditors.

For just 6 easy payments of $19.95 (plus $39.99 S&P), you too could extend the misery of human existence and believe that spending such money is a worthwhile investment toward much deeper issues. Go ahead, take a Nutrirocket to the head!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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