Written by Moe Nightwalker
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Topics: Sex, Viagra

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

image for Sporting Goods Chain Refuses to Pay for Employees' Boner Pills

Self Righteous Sporting Goods Corporation recently announced that their employee health plan will no longer cover medication for erectile dis-function (ED) unless the employee is married, Christian, and seeking to procreate. The closely-held retail chain, which has almost 1000 employees, believes that providing ED medication for "recreational sex" goes against their religious beliefs.

Jeremiah Self, co-founder of the company, explains, "We took a long, hard look at our health care plan after the recent Supreme Court ruling. We noticed that claims for ED medications were rising every year, even though none of our employees seemed to be having children. My wife Elizabeth and I prayed over this and decided to follow Lord's advice on cutting our insurance payouts." Bob Lord Accounting has been Self's consulting firm since the company started.

Mr. Self, who has 14 children with his wife, cites several non-medical ED remedies that he has used over the years. "Having two bathtubs, side by side, in your back yard works", he said. "Also, a ride on a tandem bicycle, a paddle boat, or a golf cart sometimes does the trick. A drive in my vintage British roadster convertible while wearing a leather jacket always helps."

Most importantly, Mr. Self says, "Having a slim, youthful wife with long, non-grayish hair is key. It doesn't hurt if she's done some modeling or acting work in her recent past. Oh yeah, and prayer, faith in God and all that stuff. I meant to say that first."

Internal audits had shown that Self Righteous Sports ED medication claims peaked around the time of the annual Las Vegas sporting goods convention for the last several years.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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