Written by Michael Balton
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Wednesday, 2 July 2014

image for GM finds the cause of its ignition switch debacle
Jamar Blankline of the Elmer Fudd Institute

Detroit - Rabbits' feet have proven to be unlucky for what used to be the world's largest car maker. The key chain charms have been fingered by General Motors engineers as the cause for sudden ignition shutdown that could affect millions of vehicles.

"Rabbits' feet retain a certain amount of twitch energy long after they are removed from the host bunny," said Hank Lippincott, General Motors Director of Monotonous Details. "Through months of on road and in lab testing, we found out that this involuntary movement is just enough to twist the ignition switch to off on many GM products."

The subsequent shutdown of the car's power steering, power brakes, engine and airbags creates a serious safety hazard. "That's why we are recalling 29,000,000 automobiles," Lippincott said. "We want to make certain that no funny bunny parts are putting our customers in harm's way."

While apparently satisfying GM car owners, the recall has rabbit aficionados incensed. "Always blame the bunny when something goes wrong," said Jamar Blankline, Executive Director of the Elmer Fudd Institute. "Well, we've got ears; we can hear what they saying about us; and we are not going into hibernation on this one."

The Institute has joined with PETA in a lawsuit aimed at forcing GM to stop its experiments on wildlife and to start building rabbit-powered vehicles durable enough to haul overweight tourists around New York's Central Park.

Meanwhile, a use is being developed for the millions of rabbits' feet that are being handed in by the owners of recalled GM cars and trucks.

"We believe that they can be turned into pretty decent buffalo wings," Lippincott said. "A little batter, a deep fat bath, a little blue cheese. Tastes like chicken. Who's going to know the difference?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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