Iowa City - A doctoral student at The University of Iowa has uncovered a startling number of falsified resumes within the fast food industry.
Ichabod Alchemy was working on his thesis which is a study of underlying economic trends that affect the fast food industry.
In his preliminary research to lay the foundation for his work, Alchemy began to discover discrepancies in the information from different reputable sources.
What Alchemy uncovered is shocking. His research revealed falsified resumes at the highest levels of many of the largest fast food companies.
First, Alchemy could not find records of Colonel Sanders' military service. He poured over sources that included official lists of military personnel obtained under the Freedom of Information Act, to articles in the smallest newspapers from rural America. He could find no mention of Sanders at all. "It's like he just appeared out of thin air," said Alchemy. "Poof - guy in a white suit and white goatee selling chicken. And we all bought into it. The guy looks like he's a plantation owner from the old, deep South, so of course he knows how to make good fried chicken. And, honestly, it is good. But Sanders himself is a lie."
Alchemy's research then revealed that Burger King was in fact not a king at all. "He's no king," Alchemy professed. "At most he's maybe a prince, and that's a stretch. Turns out his great-grandfather proclaimed the family farm as its own kingdom back in 1931. All the other family members then gave themselves titles. Burger's own father said he was Captain Kirk, then Admiral Kirk, finally, apparently settling on "Grand Poobah Klingon."
Alchemy's revelations didn't end with Sander's and Burger. He also discovered that Wendy from "Wendy's" is actually a transgendered cross-dresser named Wilfred. "She.. or should I say he, doesn't even have naturally red hair."
Alchemy discovered that "Domino" from Domino's Pizza is actually named Sean, pronounced "Seen", an illegal immigrant from Canada who wrote Domino on his resume and application because he thought it sounded more Italian.
There were a few honest resumes in the bunch. Turns out that Dairy Queen really is a queen as used as a term to describe a homosexual male. Said Alchemy, "Come on, peanut buster parfait? If that isnt' a euphemism for hot gay sex, I don't know what is."