Written by Catchthisdrift
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Topics: contract, FCC, Wireless

Monday, 30 June 2014

image for Wireless Carriers Want to Add "Mauled By Rabid Raccoon" to Terms of Breaking Contract
Wireless phone from 1998

Washington D.C. - A conglomeration of the country's six largest wireless carriers are lobbying the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) to allow them to add "Mauled by rabid raccoon" to the consequences to a consumer of breaking the contract they entered into with the carrier.

The average contract period for a consumer of average to above-average credit, who wants a post-paid plan and a free smart phone, is two years. If the consumer wants to break their contract before that two-year period, then the carrier can impose upon that consumer certain liabilities, such as a "contract termination fee." Such fees vary by carrier, but can be as much as $350.

The conglomeration of carriers filed, via their attorneys, a brief which requests the right to add "Mauled by rabid raccoon" to the terms of breaking a contract.

The initial response of wireless industry analysts included questions of where a carrier would get a rabid raccoon and where such an animal would be kept until needed to maul the consumer. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) released a statement on behalf of raccoons that read, in part, "Raccoons are people, too, and deserve to be treated with respect. Forcing a raccoon with a pre-existing condition to gnaw on, consume, and otherwise adversely affect a wireless customer is disrespectful."

A statement released by the wireless carriers said "What do you people want from us? We give you an $800 phone for free, throw in as many calls and texts as you want, hell, even some free data, and you aren't even willing to stay in a contract for two years? If you don't want a two year contract, fine. But you can expect a flip-phone circa 2002 we picked up from Goodwill."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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