McDonaldland, USA -- Bowing to pressure from minimum-wage maximization advocates, the McDonald's Corporation today introduced a "more affordable" menu designed exclusively for workers at the bottom of the pay scale.
"We can't afford to raise the salaries of our entry level employees," said company spokesman and goodwill ambassador Ronald McDonald. "That would drive up our prices to the point that folks would have to trade in their cars for a Big Mac dinner. Our customers would think we're being run by the Hamburgler or Jamie Dimon."
To avoid that embarrassment, the fried food conglomerate looked at the spending side of starvation and decided to create lower cost items for low wage earners throughout the world.
According to the corporate clown, the feature food choices on the new McDonald's Minumisers' Menu include:
The Half Mac. Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun. Same as the original. Only it's cut in half personally by one of our corporate accountants. Best of all, the Half Mac costs just 88% of the price of the original Big Mac.
Feed A Fool A Tool. The old adage about "teaching a man to fish" comes into play here. For the price of a small McCoffee, the customer is handed a number three gauge fishhook, 50 feet of high-quality monofilament line and a McWorm. Anything they catch is entitled to to swim for 10 minutes in our deep fat fryer.
All You Can Eat Vintage Buffet. Fine wine increases in value as it ages. Why can't the same apply to fine food? Every day, our executive chef takes yesterday's aged ingredients and arranges them on a money-saving buffet, where minimum wagers can achieve maximum bellyfulness for less.
McDumpster Dive. Minumisers who are looking for a little adventure with their vintage food can sign up for our special Dumpster Dives. Remember, yesterday's milk is another man's yogurt. Scuba gear not provided.
Lost and Found Fun Feasts. A less expensive version of a Happy Meal, this special item was created exclusively for the child labor industry. It consists of a fresh item from our Lost and Found Locker, a cup of tap water, a frozen hash brown, and a rest room pass. Figuring out how it all goes together provides maximum fun for our minimum wage customers.
Ronald McDonald said that his company is also working on the supply side to make its restaurants more accessible to minimum wage earners. "We are negotiating with animal rights activists to get our hands on the Central Park carriage horses," McDonald said. "Horse can be an economical winner in the long run."