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Friday, 23 May 2014

image for McDonald's Shareholders Meeting Disrupted by Nanny-State Protesters

Chicago- CEO Don Thompson was challenged and often shouted down by some insistent and disruptive shareholder meeting disrupters.

A belligerent Debbie Bipolaria, representative of Mothers United in Parental Neglect, accused McDonalds of using popular celebrities and Ronald McDonald to force junk food down children's throats. Thompson responded that McDonalds is in the business of selling tasty food and that it is the responsibility of parents to provide oversight and guidance to their children about what food to eat.

This set Bipolaria off on a rant linking McDonalds' corporate management and even its menu with "Truther" conspiracies on "who really caused 9/11." She then demanded that the Company immediately introduce a tofu, bean sprout, and water chestnut version of the Big Mac with the "special sauce" replaced by Marmite. Thompson quickly pointed out that one never sees Ronald McDonald actually eating food, but he was drowned out by vociferous chanting from the Parental Neglect contingent.

Bipolaria's rant elicited boos from a majority of burger-loving shareholders, and one wag shouted that "I now see why your kids eat at the Golden Arches! And where are they now?" Bipolaria screeched out in response: "You're a cow-killing, blood-thirsting, Neanderthal!!!" After which Ms. Bipolaria was demonstrably escorted from the room by a Security force (all dressed in Ronald McDonald garb) over the protests of the Parental Neglect crowd.

Mr. Thompson attempted to restore order to the meeting, when another woman stood up in the front row, yelling "Point of order, point of order!" Recognized for a statement, the speaker introduced herself, as Michaela Spurtturf, representing the Consortium for Eliminating Sugar from Everyone's Life. Adjusting a shawl around her shoulders, she stridently advocated removing all sugar-based soft drinks from McDonalds' restaurants: "We of the Consortium know best when it comes to what people should be drinking-and carbonated sugar drinks are liquid death!!!" While shouting this, Ms. Spurtturf began vigorously waving her arms, thus dislodging the wig she had apparently been wearing. Much to the surprise of the CEO and Board, it turned out that 'Ms. Spurtturf" was actually former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg of "Ban Sodas in NYC" fame dressed in drag. Again, the Ronald McD Security force was called forward to remove the obstreperous Major, who protested loudly as he was carried out: "You're twisting my panty hose!!!"

After this ruckus Mr. Thompson called for quiet from the rostrum, but Ralph Nader stood up and accused the Board as a whole of malfeasance by allowing ergonomically deficient furniture in all McDonalds' dining rooms. At this point CEO Thompson pounded the gavel and said: "F*ck it, the Board and I are going out for Quarter-Pounder Combos! You're on Your Own!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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