Written by Dirk Action
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Thursday, 8 May 2014

image for Barclays to Cut Ten Trillion Jobs
I will read your horoscope: cancer

As of next year, the Barclays Eagle will be flying lower than Buddy Holly. Sources close to the Board (two mixed-gender prostitutes and a man who peddles blood diamonds from the back of a three-wheeler bike) revealed:

"First to go will be the back office staff: those who lay out lines of cocaine across the small of super models' backs."

Their spokesperson confirmed that ten million, trillion jobs are definitely to go:

"The culture of excess will no longer be tolerated. We think it's fair to expect people can get it up their own noses without assistance. It's not as if you get Meals on Wheels racking up lines for your Gran - unless she used to work for us."

Next on the hit list of the ten trillion trillion to-the-power-of-four jobs to go, are people who drive around shouting 'show me the money' from open topped cars without even slowing down to attend the meeting - in order to win more contracts for mortgage debts, which even people with broken knee caps can't pay back.

A 'bad bank' will be set up to deal with those difficult, segmented debts.

"Isn't it a bad bank already"? Spoof asked, instantly alert.

"Yes but this is Bad Bank 2 - like an action movie with insufficient guns and explosions."

The Bad Bank will let off stink bombs during share floatations and turn up late on Mondays, stinking of booze.

"Which is the only positive to come out of this: the standard of customer service won't change", said a growling woman with her stuff in a cardboard box.

"This allows us to focus on our high street, retail services: free pens while you wait for six hours not to see anybody because there's nobody there. Just a Perspex window streaked by dust, through which forlorn drift wood peeps."

Eventually, everybody is to go, except the member of staff who has to stay behind emailing: 'Barclays to cut Fifteen Trillion, Trillion, Trillion to-the-power-of-six, jobs'.

By 2016 the only service remaining will be an auto-reply email from a lone computer which reads 'No'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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