Jersey City, NJ -- Ever ready to take advantage of a competitor's woes, Big Pharma has announced a "new" Aspirin tablet that will be loaded up with micro-magnets.
"Like magic it will pull out the Acetaminophen metal bits," says Bill Deuxnough of DruggedUp, the industry organization dedicated to ensuring that no disease, real or imagined, goes uncovered by a voodoo spell in pill form.
He did not deny that voodoo may be more curative than much of the industry's output, but gave out samples to the press corps anyway.
Deuxnough likened the new Aspirin to a "big broom" that can "sweep" away all those nasty contaminants, not just metal-laced Acetaminophen, from your gut in "no time at all."
He failed to say how such instantaneousness can be accomplished when GI transit time is 8 to 12 hours, but he strongly urged "all persons" to take the new Aspirin not only because it is the "REAL pain reliever," but now serves double duty as a GI chelator.
"Practically any metal that you take in by mouth [lead poisoning by bullet can't be touched] will, like magic, be expelled from your system." Magic and voodoo are equivalent, apparently.
Deuxnough resisted any discussion about "pulling out" essential dietary elements, such as copper, from the body to the toilet; but did hasten to say that "all drugs have side-effects. It's a matter of risk versus benefit."
He did not say which one the consumer gets, but we can magically guess.
No sooner was Deuxnough's "news" blared on CNNBCBS than others jumped on the bandwagon.
In an attempt to corner an "emerging" market, the maker of generic Ibuprofen admitted, on close query, that they will put miniature GPS devices into their tablets to "track who is using them -- worldwide, 24/7."